PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies