Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…


If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.


Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy


Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right


Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]


Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here


ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!