Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph