[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
58.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome