MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces

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[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!


4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.


What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”


[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?


Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*


If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.


Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.