I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
real
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.