Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Maths meets science
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now