Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
How it started: How it’s going:
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby