The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
CAVEMAN 1: i make this. it called fire
CAVEMAN 2: how u do that?!
CAVEMAN 1: um *thinking about how he was making 2 sticks have sex* magic
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh