Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.