Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
You Might Also Like
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4