@LetsGet9ined

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

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@1MeLrO

Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches

@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

@AsgardianRose

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@ScottyBondo

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

@siddharth3

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret