god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
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Yeah I do yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“Why are you glowing?”
“I’ve been eating light.”
PROFESSOR X: What is your super power
LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times
PROFESSOR X: Astonishing
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.