MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG