@TheCatWhisprer

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

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@internetluke

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

@thenatewolf

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

@StayNobody

[Drug Deal]
How do I know ur not a cop?
“If I was a cop would I do this?”
*Starts break dancing*
That’s not as much proof as you think it is

@Dawn_M_

Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year.

From all of us, thank you x

@Moi_RaRa

Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.

@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

@BlindChow

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf