@TheCatWhisprer

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

You Might Also Like

@maybetomhanks

god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go

@Mom_Overboard

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

@OrdinaryAlso

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

@vineyille

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

@The_JRM

“Why are you glowing?”

“I’ve been eating light.”

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

@DaddyBeerGuy

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

@kirkfox

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.