Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
You Might Also Like
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
oh my gosh!!
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.