After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I think we should hear other voices.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂