Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
You Might Also Like
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
no!! no!!!!!!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.