Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

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Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?


I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.


[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price


I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.


Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting


I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.


autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO


if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.


Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.


last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong