Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
How I’d get arrested…