I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
You Might Also Like
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.