*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too