my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore