@hologramvin

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

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@jacob_swift16

‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’

-Drunk people

@RandiLawson

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

@UnFitz

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

@Hobo_Splendido

“Would you like the tuna fish casserole?”

“No thanks, I’ll take the pig ham sandwich”

@scorpicpanda

I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.

@Adar79Angie

When my family says things like…why don’t you have kids yet? I say “Because I didn’t get drunk & do the football team, Sasha.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

@TheSofiya

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT