man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

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America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*


Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!


I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.


Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.


Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth


ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload


honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah


People named Thomas, your nickname isn’t “Thom” it’s Tom. “Thom” thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.


The worst part about online shopping is having to get up n get your card out your purse


” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.