man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
The struggle is real.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.