[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
President The Rock Obama
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used