“I got expelled”
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
“and rub 1 out”
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
911: what’s your emergency?
M: I’m out of ketchup.
911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.
M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
Oh, almost forgot
It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My house is really small until I can’t find my phone.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.