*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?