*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.


me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u


Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad


My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions


Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.


I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.


We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.


Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.


Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*


[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.