@BlindChow

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

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@DanMentos

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

@shariv67

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

@capricecrane

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

@notbedelia

911: what’s your emergency?

M: I’m out of ketchup.

911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.

M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK

@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.