I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Am I having a stroke?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today