@internetluke

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

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@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@FredTaming

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

@Shenanigans_luv

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

@RandomAntics

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

@dshack8

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

@hermanntrude

my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:

– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– radishes
– canneloni
– kitkat ice cream

apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream

@Yurt

Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”