Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
#ProTip
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!