Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
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Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.