Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”