Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.