Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it’s too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i’m saying at all
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.