MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You Might Also Like
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Truth