@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

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@perlhack

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

@Parkerlawyer

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

@ElKnuckelhombre

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

@nameshiv

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

@Phook75

It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name

@UnFitz

Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.

@SoVeryBritish

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

@advicefromphil

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method