MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Admin smashed it 😂
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.