man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
They must have gotten it to go.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Finally!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow