(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
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Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Unexpected Judgment
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone