Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.


Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.


“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it


The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’


Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.


Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.


Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.


George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.



DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money


“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*