Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
$3 #books
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot