Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
technically true but not a great slogan
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears