Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.