Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*pronounces woah like Noah*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!