Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.