Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”