man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
O Wise One….
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
A game married people play.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir