man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –