Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
How to draw a duck
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol