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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night


How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?


I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.


[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”


Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this