You Might Also Like

@JKNenagh

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

@MykaFox

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@Playing_Dad

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

@UrFavAsianGuy

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

@david8hughes

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@DrakeGatsby

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this