My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.