[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
sigh
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.