The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.