Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one


sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic


Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.


SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you


Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus


There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.


I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.


You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox.



Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]


Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?