@Sarcasticsapien

Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

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@envydatropic

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@daemonic3

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus

@patnspankme

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

@SaraMansford

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

@SexySillyGrl

You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox.

Samesies?

@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

@BeeeejEsq

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?