It’s been a terrible year for burglars
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You are not alone 💚
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered