[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
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Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
happy valentine’s day to me
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass