My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.