@Tmoney68

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

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@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@haileybri23

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@cepheusjackson

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@ShawnIzadi

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

@realHamOnWry

Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.

@Browtweaten

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

@CourtneyBale

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@Brampersandon_

“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”