@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

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@TomatoTomoto1

[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste

@daemonic3

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

@ZipperMouth_

I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.

@noneofyours99

I want to be that grandma someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

@sixfootcandy

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

@jjhartinger

In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

@nettie0918

My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.

@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine