MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime